holding hands

tasting hot fudge for the first time
a lovely secret that you only whispered to me
a cool draft on the back of my sun-soaked neck
your hand smoothly fitted into mine

I’m a child again and you’re my magic
unseeingly noticing the unnoticeable
every finger print a mystery
warm and winding
close
and we hardly are acquainted
but the pulsing in my wrist begs to differ
a stubborn little girl
laughingly jumps through my veins

and when your hand is gone
it feels like some of my fingers have been cut off
and feeling a phantom warmth
I lift an invisible hand to my soft solitary lips
before I realize it isn’t there

nonsense

far away
four dimensions away
barely a picture to recall

but in this breeze I build a dream
it gently passes over me
and makes of hope a memory
and coaxes me to fall

it suddenly occurs to me
you've slipped into the songs I sing
the object of my wanderings

I want you more than anything.

please God can't I just wallow in self-pity for a teensy little while?

Oh man. This is what we classify as a "low point." Reasons:
- I didn't get a part in the musical.
- My spring break plans to go to Buffalo with my roommate just got canceled and I don't know what I'm doing now.
- I had a crush on this one guy...or maybe I just liked the idea of having a crush on him...anyway, it is not mutual, so whatever.
- Valentines Day is THURSDAY. (see above.)
- I don't know if I'll get the job I want this summer.
- This fall I will be STARTING OVER at a new school, not to mention I'm not positive what I'll be studying...
- I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
- I don't really feel like God has someone for me...and maybe He has called me to be *gulp* single...well I don't really believe that but it sure looks that way right now.

anyway. people and life keep disappointing me. but God is so funny, because He never lets me wallow in self-pity or anything...whenever I just want to have a good cry or moment of sympathy for my poor lonely and under-apprecated self, He does something like this:



which, clearly, brings me to tears. the person of Jesus mystifies, draws, and captures me forever. Jesus has my heart. allllll of it. and not some stuffy Jesus with a perpetual frown and girly hair. a hard-working, laughing Jesus--a man of sorrow, full of humility and compassion, but one who also laughs at my jokes and understands my frustrations. no earthly man will ever "complete" me, like I thought when I was 14. Thankfully, God *continues* to teach me that I am only complete in Him.

I have been famous SO many times.

So I know that no one reads this, but it's nice to have a venting spot that is accessible anywhere there is internet. Maybe someday my adoring fans will cherish this as my old virtual haunt. Or maybe my children will one day read and learn. Or, most likely, maybe someday I will read this as a wizened and sly old woman, laughing at my foolish, large, 19-year old hopes and ideas.

Well the most recent update regarding my internal state of affairs (certainly the most interesting segment of my life and experiences) is that I have become much less dependent on a "social life"...whatever that really means. My need for affirmation, constant conversation, and ceaseless company has all but vanished. I don't really know how I feel about this, but regardless, it has happened. I have begun to realize that I don't really care if everyone loves me...or for that matter, even knows about me. This is really revolutionary. Never in my life have I felt quite like that before. When I was 6 years old I would sing in front of the bathroom mirror with the door locked and the fan on, bringing masses to tears with my incredibly touching renditions of bittersweet-sounding Disney anthems. At age 11, I stood in open fields and "ice-skated" for crowds of thousands, aweing them with my unprecedented grace and skill...the audience was all the more amazed because this young prodigy had learned to ice-skate in only a year! Even at age 16, I would cloister myself in my room and give speeches for hillsides of people, causing them to utterly and forever alter their entire worldview because of my Heaven-ordained persuasive, and unarguable discourse. I was elected president, knighted, hailed as a rock-star, and carved into the pages of history before age 18.

So. You can see why it is such an incredible accomplishment for me to--FINALLY--enjoy being in my room alone and singing for NO ONE AT ALL. Maybe this is only a whim and tomorrow night my nightly dreams of fame will once again commence. Or, maybe this is really the result of a God-caused heart change that will last forever. I really pray that it is the latter. Because frankly, it is much easier to live a pleasant and stress free life when you're not constantly attempting to further your fan base. :)

a hopeful desert

Still in limbo here.
I'm on the last leg of a 21-day fast, and maybe it's just my over-eager hopeful little mind, but I really believe God has done a work in me, and maybe, just maybe, I have matured a little.

I am contemplating beginning one of the more serious endeavors I've begun in my life...all I will say is that it involves one of my greatest convictions and writing a book. Obviously I wouldn't publish said book until after I graduate...maybe after grad school...but I really am believing that God dropped this idea into my spirit as a result of my fast...we'll see though. I mean, why would God make me so passionate about something and cause me to love writing so much without allowing me to write a book? It makes sense to me. And frequently, God is a God who makes sense.

Anyway. I feel like I have the fewest friends at this point in my life than ever before. Notice that I say this with an almost indifferent tone. It has bothered my flesh a little to not constantly be surrounded by people and conversation and affirmation, but as I mentioned before, I really think God is using this "loneliness" to refine me...but I just felt like having some sort of outlet that wasn't God...because mainly I've been talking to him lately. :)

free fall

my dad always used to say to me, "sometimes the safest place to be is in free-fall, because then you are forced to trust God."
I guess I believe that, but not having any idea what I'm doing with my life or even what I'm doing next fall is pretty frustrating for someone who is as controlling as I am. I have NEVER been so confused. I want to hear God's voice, but every time I believe I've finally heard Him speak, I start playing mind games with myself and end up more confused than when I started.

AND. People are hurtful. I don't get easily hurt because I don't allow myself to be vulnerable, and I don't have very high expectations of people's treatment of me. But every now and then, someone will sneak in underneath the radar and pull something underhanded and uncalled for.

Also, they make too many rash judgments. People get up on a high horse and have so much confidence in their intellectual and spiritual superiority that they think they can pigeon-hole you and your problem right away. Well I would just like everyone to know that I'm not as easily pigeon-holed as it might initially appear. Perhaps it would be better to save your judgment until you actually know me a little bit at all.

anyway. I just wanna go home.