I have been famous SO many times.

So I know that no one reads this, but it's nice to have a venting spot that is accessible anywhere there is internet. Maybe someday my adoring fans will cherish this as my old virtual haunt. Or maybe my children will one day read and learn. Or, most likely, maybe someday I will read this as a wizened and sly old woman, laughing at my foolish, large, 19-year old hopes and ideas.

Well the most recent update regarding my internal state of affairs (certainly the most interesting segment of my life and experiences) is that I have become much less dependent on a "social life"...whatever that really means. My need for affirmation, constant conversation, and ceaseless company has all but vanished. I don't really know how I feel about this, but regardless, it has happened. I have begun to realize that I don't really care if everyone loves me...or for that matter, even knows about me. This is really revolutionary. Never in my life have I felt quite like that before. When I was 6 years old I would sing in front of the bathroom mirror with the door locked and the fan on, bringing masses to tears with my incredibly touching renditions of bittersweet-sounding Disney anthems. At age 11, I stood in open fields and "ice-skated" for crowds of thousands, aweing them with my unprecedented grace and skill...the audience was all the more amazed because this young prodigy had learned to ice-skate in only a year! Even at age 16, I would cloister myself in my room and give speeches for hillsides of people, causing them to utterly and forever alter their entire worldview because of my Heaven-ordained persuasive, and unarguable discourse. I was elected president, knighted, hailed as a rock-star, and carved into the pages of history before age 18.

So. You can see why it is such an incredible accomplishment for me to--FINALLY--enjoy being in my room alone and singing for NO ONE AT ALL. Maybe this is only a whim and tomorrow night my nightly dreams of fame will once again commence. Or, maybe this is really the result of a God-caused heart change that will last forever. I really pray that it is the latter. Because frankly, it is much easier to live a pleasant and stress free life when you're not constantly attempting to further your fan base. :)

a hopeful desert

Still in limbo here.
I'm on the last leg of a 21-day fast, and maybe it's just my over-eager hopeful little mind, but I really believe God has done a work in me, and maybe, just maybe, I have matured a little.

I am contemplating beginning one of the more serious endeavors I've begun in my life...all I will say is that it involves one of my greatest convictions and writing a book. Obviously I wouldn't publish said book until after I graduate...maybe after grad school...but I really am believing that God dropped this idea into my spirit as a result of my fast...we'll see though. I mean, why would God make me so passionate about something and cause me to love writing so much without allowing me to write a book? It makes sense to me. And frequently, God is a God who makes sense.

Anyway. I feel like I have the fewest friends at this point in my life than ever before. Notice that I say this with an almost indifferent tone. It has bothered my flesh a little to not constantly be surrounded by people and conversation and affirmation, but as I mentioned before, I really think God is using this "loneliness" to refine me...but I just felt like having some sort of outlet that wasn't God...because mainly I've been talking to him lately. :)